Standing in Shadows
by DracOnyx
Summary: Rated for hints of Suicide and swearing. After Inu leaves Kag for Kikyo again, Kag begins to wonder if maybe it would be best to just be out of the way entirely. Chp 3 up. *COMPLETED* R+R
1. All Tied Up

Disclaimer - Yeah, I wish I owned InuYasha. Doesn't everyone?

  
  


AN - Something that popped into my head while I was working on Starlight and Shadows, and I just had to get it out. Of course, I didn't expect it to be nearly as long as it turned out . . . seems to be a standard. My muse gets to pounding on my head, and just doesn't stop sometimes. But I love him anyway. So, here it is, a very dark / romantic fic . . . and as always, please review when you are done.

  
  


Oh, btw . . . there are hints of suicide, so, try to control yourselves. I, personally, do not condone suicide . . . but I won't go into that. Now, I swap back and forth between being a GOD narrator and Kagome talking to InuYasha in her mind in her POV. I think the changes are pretty obvious, but if they aren't, let me know.

  
  


Chapter 1 - All Tied Up

  
  
  
  


InuYasha . . . why?

I find myself asking that question more and more these days. I stare at you, across the embers of the dying fire, and I can't help it. My thoughts return over and over again to the scenes that haunt my dreams - Kikyo trying to take you to hell, Kikyo and you kissing, Kikyo holding a knife to your throat after you told her you would protect her . . .

I just can't get them out of my head. I swore that I would stand by you till the end . . . but why do I feel like you never see me? Like I'm just outside your line of sight, in the shadows that Kikyo casts over you, and only when that light is gone do you remember I'm even there. I'm your friend, I'm Kagome . . . I'm the woman keeping you from Kikyo. That's how you see me, right? If it weren't for me, you would be free to go to hell with Kikyo. Well, okay, if it weren't for me and Naraku. Funny, isn't it . . . me and Naraku lumped together in the same category. Never thought me and that filth would have something in common . . . but I guess, in a very vague way, we do.

So, again, I ask - why, InuYasha? Why are you willing to go to hell with Kikyo? I know you feel like you owe her . . . but is that all? Or is it that you still love her, even though she is dead and trying to kill you now? Why can't you see that I love you too . . . and I want you to live?

Gods, why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm nothing to you . . . just a shard detector. If anything beyond that . . . I'm that annoying girl from the future that keeps getting herself into situations you have to save her from. So, why am I still standing in the shadows? Why am I still letting you trample all over my heart? Why don't I move out of the shadows, and into my own light?

Because I want to be in your shadows . . . I want anything I can have with you. Maybe it's because I know that, when it's all said and done . . . my memories will be the only thing I have left.

  
  


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InuYasha tried to ignore Kagome's gaze from across the fire, but it was hard . . . much harder then he'd ever thought it would be. What was the girl thinking about? And why the hell did she have to stare at him, of all things?! He shifted irritably, debating on jumping into a nearby tree, but stopped short of doing it. He didn't want her to think she'd forced him into fleeing.

Things had been like this for the past couple hours now, ever since he'd come back to camp after the earlier run in with Kikyo. He didn't know if Kagome had been there to witness it or not . . . he hadn't found any sign of her, but hell . . . she'd been there every other damn time, so why not this one time when it had mattered most? He had said goodbye to Kikyo . . . told her that, while he would still protect her, he intended only to see her return peacefully to death's eternal slumber . . . so that he could be free to be with Kagome.

He wished that Miroku, Sango, and Shippo were there with them. Kagome would be distracted by the little kitsune, and by the antics of the lecherous monk and the exterminator, and he could think on his own. As it was, her gaze, while glued on him, was not on him at all . . . it was like she was looking through him. He glanced at her again, noting how the firelight played over her beautiful features . . . but even in the firelight her eyes remained shadowed and dark, lacking that sparkle of life and laughter that he found so entrancing. What could he do to draw her out of the shadow of her thoughts, and into the light?

He shifted as she moved suddenly, leaving her place by the fire to settle into her sleeping bag. He caught a faintly whispered "Good Night, InuYasha." before she turned her back to him and settled in to sleep. He resisted the urge to sigh in relief when her gaze was off him, and instead shifted to lay down nearby, instead of flying off into a tree. He felt the need to stay near to her tonight . . . as if something in his soul told him that if he went too far away, she would be gone before he realized it. Lying on his stomach, staring into the fire, he reviewed the last few days in his head.

  
  


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(2 days previous)

"Kagome! Would you stay out of the way, you baka!" he shouted as he slashed down at the youkai, rushing back into the battle after having rescued her from a claw swipe that could very well have severed her head from her shoulders. Miroku and Sango were already down for the count, having been caught unawares as they walked up ahead, and Shippo lay nearby in a heap where the youkai had flung him against a tree. That left it up to Kagome and InuYasha to settle this, and the damn thing had three shards, which was making it more than difficult. InuYasha charged in, the Tetsusiaga cleaving through flesh and bone easily, but the damn monster regenerated nearly as fast as he could wound it. 

"Damn it . . . would you just fricking DIE already!" he growled, as the youkai caught him in a glancing blow on the shoulder.

"InuYasha! The shards . . . they're in it's THROAT!"

"Oh for the love of . . . of all the places for them to be . . ." he grumbled, staggering to his feet with the Tetsusiaga's help. The youkai had it's back to him, menacing Kagome, and InuYasha felt his rage build. "Don't you DARE touch KAGOME!" he snarled, leaping onto the thing's back and burying his sword up to it's hilt in the tough skin. He was less then amused when it crashed over onto it's back, crushing him under it before it rolled off and continued it's stalk of Kagome.

Rather than run, Kagome stood there, her bow held at ready, an arrow set to fly. It began to give off the powerful glow of her miko powers, just before she let it fly. It hit the youkai head on. The youkai howled as it's flesh began to burn under the purifying energy, and made one last attempt to reach it's tormentor. Much to InuYasha's horror, as he was struggling back to his feet, the blow landed, sending Kagome flying into the woods.

"KAGOME!" InuYasha howled, staggering as he tried to make it in time to intercept her. It was only then, as his body refused to cooperate with him, that he realized something that had been growing on his mind for a while now . . . he loved Kagome. He didn't stop to think about this new found revelation, however . . . he quickly made sure the youkai was done for, removing it's shards before rushing over to Kagome.

"Kagome . . . WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING!?" he snarled, his fear for her coming out in anger now that the battle was over.

"Saving your hide, you pompous, arrogant, stubborn . . . oh, just SIT!" Kagome yelled back, standing as the rosary pulled him into the ground with crushing intensity.

"WENCH! If you hadn't gotten in the way, I would have been fine!" he growled, attempting to pick himself up against the spell's effects. Due to this, he didn't see the look of hurt that crossed Kagome's face at his words.

"I'm sorry . . . I was in the way. I was only trying to help," she whispered, staring down at his sprawled form, tears forming in her eyes.

"YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE WAY!" InuYasha flinched as that came out. That wasn't what he had meant to say . . . damn it, his mouth was running away with him again. Kagome was silent, and he listened in horror as she said nothing, but turned and walked away to check on the others.

  
  


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That was the reason the others weren't with them . . . they were still healing up, even Shippo. Kagome and his relationship had been strained since then . . . they barely spoke to each other, and when they did, it was only when necessary. Then, tonight he had caught Kikyo's scent. He didn't remember what excuse he had made to Kagome before taking off . . . but he was sure it hadn't fooled her . . . she wasn't blind, and she had to have noticed how agitated he was. He only wondered why, just this once, she hadn't done the normal thing and followed him. Did she not care anymore?

Suddenly, he caught the scent of salt and water, and his mind froze. She was crying . . . he hated it when she cried. He never knew what to do about it . . . how was he supposed to deal with her like that? Sighing, he settled down and tried to ignore the scent, burying his nose in his crossed arms, his ears flattened to his head to block out her sobs. He didn't know how to deal with this . . . he never did, and usually he only made it worse. The best thing he could do was leave it alone for now.

  
  


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Why? Why, oh why, can't I get you out of my heart? Momma never told me love could hurt so much . . . how could one emotion bring such pleasure, and yet such total pain! Gods, why did I have to fall in love with you, InuYasha?

I'm laying over here, sobbing in the shadows, as you lay in the light . . . that's always the way it's going to be, isn't it? I will always remain in the shadows . . . while Kikyo is your light. How can I keep torturing myself like this? How can I keep loving you . . . knowing that eventually you'll go to hell with her?

Someone once said that love is a serious mental disease . . . oh how right they were! It defies all logic, all known reason!

You said I'm always in the way . . . that's true, isn't it? But you weren't just talking about battles, were you? You were talking about how I'm in the way of you being with Kikyo, too . . . I'm sure of it. That's why I didn't follow you when you went to her tonight . . . I'm not going to be in the way anymore . . . at least not where that's concerned. Once the jewel is whole, I'll go back to my time, and then I'll be out of your way forever. Maybe . . . maybe I can find someone to love back there, who will see me as THEIR light as you do Kikyo. Hojo . . . maybe him. He's dull . . . more than dull compared to you . . . actually, he's the total opposite of you . . . but maybe that's what I need to get over you. He's only a friend . . . but maybe I can learn to love him. He certainly seems to like me enough . . . and he's always so sweet and kind. He's nothing compared to you . . . but then, no one is.

I'll miss Miroku . . . even if he is a lech. At least he's always honest . . . and sweet. I'll miss Sango . . . she's the older sister I never had. And of course I'll miss Shippo . . . so much like Souta, even if he is a youkai. He's almost like a son to me. But, I have to go back. I don't belong here . . . I never could . . . not without you.

Oh, how I wish I could just tell you all of this. It might feel so good . . . just to get all these pent up emotions and frustrations out and off my chest, so to speak.

To hell with all of this. I wish I could say I hate you InuYasha . . . but I can't, and I never will. I'll probably always love you . . . 

  
  


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She'd fallen asleep. InuYasha sighed with relief, relaxing from his stiff posture and rolling over to stare up at the canopy of stars far above. So much misunderstanding lay between him and Kagome . . . he didn't know where he should begin to untangle the fitful knot of emotions that was there.

'Well, you could start by being nicer to her, and stop calling her bitch and wench . . . she has a name, you know,' the irritating voice of his conscience spoke up.

"Feh," he muttered, having to admit for once that the voice was right. He really was usually such an ass to her . . . but it had been the only way he could think of to deal with these new emotions springing up inside him. Denial, after all, could be a wonderful thing sometimes. How could he explain to her that this last time, when he'd gone to Kikyo, it had been to say goodbye? Would she even believe him if he told her that?

'No, probably not,' he thought, snorting at his own stupidity. After all, she'd caught him in an awkward, loving position with his past love how many times now? Why would she believe that this time had been any different? Rising swiftly to his feet, he added more wood to the fire and then began to pace around the edge of the clearing, his thoughts running madly through his head.

Gods, this was even more frustrating than finally admitting he loved her. He'd admitted it to himself . . . now he had the obstacle of admitting it to her . . . and making her believe it. How the hell did he get himself into this mess? Oh, wait, scratch that question . . . he knew damn well how he'd gotten himself here. By insisting that he still loved Kikyo, and treating Kagome like she was just a shard detector. Yeah, okay, so he wasn't the brightest person in the world when it came to relationships . . . he would be the first to admit that . . . especially in light of his current circumstances. But now what the hell was he supposed to do? Settling down in a nearby tree to keep his eye on things, he sighed. It was gonna be a long night . . . and his mind was gonna be doing all the work.


	2. Possible Solutions

Disclaimer - *sigh* I still don't own InuYasha. Somebody got a tissue?

  
  


AN - Warning - suicidal situations. Please note that I do not condone suicide. And don't forget to review : )

  
  
  
  


Chapter 2 - Possible Solutions

  
  


Dawn.

Gods, why did it have to come so soon? I'm so tired . . . tired of everything. Tired of the nightmares, tired of the heartache . . . tired of being the replacement, the shard detector, the second place. Oh, gods, why me? Why did I have to fall down that damn well? Why did I have to be HER reincarnation? Hell, why did I have to RELEASE you? When it all comes down to it, you, InuYasha, are the very heart of all my problems. No, wait . . . not you, the Shikon No Tama. That damn jewel is the cause for so much heartache . . . yours, mine, Sango's, Miroku's . . . even Shippo's. But . . . oh hell, I really can't regret falling down the well and releasing you. We've had so many good times, you and me. And I never would have met my best friends if I hadn't come here.

Once that jewel is back together . . . what's to become of all of us? Miroku will be healed, Sango's brother will be at peace . . . but what about the rest of us? Shippo's parents aren't coming back. You . . . well, you'll be going to hell with Kikyo, won't you. But me . . . I LOSE everything I've come to value so much. Once the jewel is complete . . . I won't be needed here anymore. The only other reason I would have would be you . . . and you are going with HER. Oh, if only it could be different. You sit up in that tree . . . and you look so calm, so collected. Do you even know what you are doing to me? Piece by piece my heart turns into ashes and dust . . . and I find that I can't do anything about it, as long as you are near me. Will I ever be able to love again, when you are gone? Will I even be able to continue on?

  
  


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She was looking at him again. His night of thinking had done nothing to help him figure a way out of his current dilemma . . . if anything it had made it worse. His mind had spent the whole night coming up with ideas, and discarding them just as fast. It was rapidly looking like a hopeless situation to him. Only one idea had sprung to mind and stayed there . . . but oh, did he dread using it. 

She was done packing, and had kicked dirt over the fire. Now she stood, staring up at him expectantly, her eyes dark, standing in his shadow.

"Feh. You ready?"

She nodded, and waited as he rolled off his branch to land nearby. Saying nothing, he turned to walk deeper into the woods, Kagome trailing quietly at his heels. Inside, anxiety roiled and bubbled, making him nauseous. She looked so lost . . . so heartbroken . . . he just wanted to reach out and make all her pain go away. But he couldn't do that . . . not when he was the cause of her pain in the first place. His hands clenched in fists, claws digging into his palms till he felt blood beginning to drip from his knuckles. What was he supposed to do now? Her silence was killing him, slowly but surely.

Oh hell. It looked like he was going to have to use his idea . . . Miroku. Heavens help him . . . this was really gonna hurt his pride.

  
  


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You're bleeding. I can see it dripping steadily from your hands, so tightly clenched into fists. Are you thinking about her? Gods, why am I even asking that . . . of course you are. She's the only thing that can get this type of response out of you. So protective, so dense . . . so beautiful. Yes, you are beautiful, although I'll never, ever say that to you. Not knowing what I know of your heart.

Long hair, so white it couldn't possibly be bleached . . . golden eyes that could blaze like the fury of hell or be as warm as amber honey . . . a body so honed by fighting for your life that it could have been sculpted by an artist reaching for the perfect man . . . oh gods, why am I thinking this!? I can feel the heat in my cheeks . . . I must be as red as the sky at sunset. Not that you'll notice, of course, lost in your thoughts of HER as you are. Well, while I'm going down your physical attributes . . . let's not forget those absolutely CUTE ears of yours. They were the first thing I noticed about you . . . that, and how innocent you looked while you hung from that arrow. You have no idea how much I want to caress them . . . to use them to show you how much I love you.

I'm torturing myself . . . I know it, but I can't stop it. The effect you have on me is simply . . . amazing. The one you love the most is the one who can hurt you the most . . . now where did I hear that from? Oh well, whatever the case, it's true. You can be so caring, so warm . . . and the next minute, so cold and heartless. It leaves me breathless, sometimes, how fast your moods can change. There are times when I just want to hug you to me, to never let you go and shield you from the world that's hurt you so much . . . and then there are times I just want to hit you, to strike out at you . . . to sit you into oblivion.

But, I can't do it. Well, other than the sit thing, that is. I love you too much to really ever hurt you. Which, of course, is the reason I keep this all pent up inside. Momma says it's not good to do this, to keep everything inside . . . but what else can I do? It would hurt you to know how much I love you, how much I want you, want to be with you day in and day out . . . how much I hate HER for doing this to you.

Yes . . . I hate her, even as I pity her. I never thought I could hate anyone this much . . . I don't even hate Naraku as much as I hate Kikyo. I'll bet you think I don't have it in me to hate anyone. Well, I do. I hate HER. If I could kill her, I would . . . put her soul to rest and be done with it . . . but it would hurt you, and then you would hate me.

Maybe . . . maybe it would be best for all of us . . . if I was gone. If I stepped into the shadows forever. You wouldn't have to protect me anymore . . . you could devote all your time to her.

I can't believe I'm thinking this . . . but it would solve all our problems, wouldn't it? I would no longer hurt, and you would no longer be tied to a 'useless girl' who's always 'in the way'. Yes, I think it really would be the best solution.

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They were nearing a lake . . . he could smell the water in the air as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon. The day had passed in silence . . . a tense silence at that. He missed her . . . he missed the real Kagome. This brooding, silent, tense Kagome was not his Kagome . . . it was like she had hidden herself and this imposter had taken her place. Hell, he would even accept being 'sat' a few times . . . just to know that she was still inside the silent figure behind him.

It would take them at least another day of travel to reach the village. Then, he could corner Miroku and get his advice . . . it seemed like right now, damn his pride, he needed it. He didn't know how to bring Kagome back to herself, not on his own.

He glanced back at her, noting the way the sunlight played across her figure. He couldn't see her face . . . her head was down, looking at her feet, her eyes hidden in shadow. He stopped himself from turning around and dragging her into him . . . he wanted to crush her to his chest, force her to look at him, to speak to him . . . anything but this dark silence that surrounded them both. But that would hurt her further . . . at least until he could make her believe that it was no longer Kikyo who occupied his heart, but her. Kagome, and only Kagome, lived in his heart now.

He had been such a fool, not to see it before this. To see the difference between the two of them . . . to see the difference in himself. He'd known it was there - even he couldn't be that brain dead - but he'd been denying it, to wrapped up in his past to give the future a chance. His past. Why did it always come down to that? His past was exactly that . . . the past . . . and all the pain and horror he'd endured in it had shaped the person he was now. But, was that any excuse for what he'd done to Kagome? No . . . he had to admit to himself that it wasn't . . . not really.

He only hoped he could somehow undo all the damage he had done.

"We'll camp here," he called over his shoulder to her. She nodded wordlessly, and setting her backpack on the ground, began to set up camp. He quickly gathered firewood, setting up a quick campfire before walking the perimeter for demons or any sign of them. There was nothing. He thought about offering to help her fix dinner . . . but in the mood she was in, he didn't think it wise. So, he sat back and watched in silence as she prepared four bowls of Ramen. He smiled slightly, knowing she was preparing three for him. He couldn't help that he loved Ramen . . . although Kagome kept getting on him about his eating habits . . . or lack of manners, as she put it. It was one of the few things from her world that he loved . . . the other being her. 

She was silent as she handed him his bowls, which he scarfed down quickly . . . he finished all three and wished he could have more before she even finished her one. He watched her pick at the food, playing with the noodles, but hardly eating, and debated walking around the fire and feeding her himself, just to make sure she ate. He settled for goading her, knowing that the first option would be too out of character at the moment.

"Feh. If you don't eat, wench, you'll only slow us down tomorrow. Stop playing with the damn stuff and eat it already." She looked up at him, eyes blazing in anger for a second . . . before darkness closed in and quenched the flames in deep pools of blue/grey once again. He found he'd wanted her to get angry . . . anything but this horrid silence that grated on his nerves and allowed him to think too much. Silently, she began eating, methodically chewing and swallowing as if she wasn't even tasting it. He sighed, slightly happy that he'd gotten her to at least eat, but wishing he could do more.

She finished, and packed everything back in her pack before standing silently, and going over to her sleeping bag. She crawled into it, facing away from him, and was quickly asleep. InuYasha sighed, and got comfortable.

Tomorrow could not come soon enough for his liking.

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You're asleep. Good . . . then you won't hear me when I leave after I've written this letter. If I'm quiet enough, that is. Well, if I'm not quiet enough, I'll just tell you I'm going to take a bath. You won't follow me, after all . . . why would you want to look at my skinny body when you've got Kikyo in your heart.

I wish there was another way . . . but I can't see any other way to take care of everyone's problems at once, except to do this. Funny . . . I'm not afraid. You always read about people being afraid of death . . . but right now, I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm in so much incurable pain that the sweet oblivion of death would be a respite from the harsh shadows of reality.

I'm always in the shadows with you. I stand in your shadow as you fight . . . I stand in your shadow as you love. And now, I will stand in the shadows of death . . . so that you can be free to be with Kikyo.

There is a cliff near here . . . a cliff overlooking the lake. A beautiful place . . . it'll be nice to know that I'm dying somewhere so beautiful. It helps, somehow. I'm looking at you one last time, drinking in your beauty . . . drowning in how much I love you. So innocent in sleep . . . like an angel fallen to earth, even with those wonderful, cute, fuzzy ears. Maybe . . . no. There is no other way. My letter will free you, as my death will free you . . . and I know you'll do as I wish and take the second letter to my mother. I know Mom will understand . . . she tried to do this once, as well . . . right after Dad died. But she had us to stop her . . . me and Souta. I have no one . . . no one I really need to live for. 

I haven't got time for this dwelling on the past. My future in the shadows awaits me . . . and I go toward it with an open heart that still bleeds red tears . . . tears of blood for what can never be between us.

It's time to move on . . . for all of us.

  
  


To Be Continued


	3. Unraveling the Knots

Disclaimer - Feh. If you haven't figured it out already . . . *gets knocked on the head* Ow . . . dang it, alright already Inu . . . *sighs* I don't own any of them.

  
  


Author's Note - This had to be the most depressing piece I've ever written. A friend was speculating with me the other day on why I wrote this, and why I like InuYasha so much . . . and we came to a rather surprising conclusion . . . I can sympathize with Kagome. Certain instances in my life are reflected in her . . . and especially in the love triangle between her, Kikyo, and Inu. Scary, isn't it.

  
  
  
  


Chapter 3 - Unraveling the Knots

  
  
  
  


InuYasha awoke suddenly, a sense of foreboding filling him. 'What the hell . . .' he wondered, stretching his senses. He could sense no demons in the area . . . only Kagome's scent hovered near . . . wait. Kagome's scent. It wasn't as close nearby as it should be. He glanced around, panicked. Where was she? Pale paper lying on top of her sleeping bag caught his attention, and he walked over to scoop them up. 

One word shouted out to him. 'Goodbye.'

"Oh, gods . . . Kagome, NO!" he whispered, the letters falling from his hand. He had to find her, quickly, before she did something irreparable. How could she think of doing this? Oh gods, he had to find her!

He raced along the forest, following the feint trail of her scent. He stopped short as he broke through the trees and came to the cliff overlooking the lake. There she stood, her back to him, her arms stretched out to her sides, as if she was preparing to fly.

"Kagome, don't do this," he whispered. She whirled towards him, her eyes wide in shock.

"InuYasha . . ." she whispered brokenly, tears falling silently from her eyes. "Oh, Gods, why did you have to wake up? Please . . . this is for the best . . ."

"THE BEST?! The best for WHO, Kagome? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK THIS IS GONNA SOLVE?!" he roared, suddenly angered. She shook her head in agony, her arms hugging herself as she faced him.

"It's the best . . . for all of us. You, me . . . Kikyo . . . you don't need me . . . you never have . . . oh, InuYasha, I'm so tired of standing in your shadow . . ." she murmured, shivering.

"And what about the shard's Kagome? What about our quest? Are you willing to just abandon it for your own selfishness?" The minute he said it, he regretted it . . . but he wanted something, anything from her but this overwhelming despair . . . if he could keep her talking, maybe he could stop this . . . He got what he wanted. At the mention of the shards, Kagome's face got whiter, her eyes darkening with anger.

"The SHARDS! THAT"S ALL IT'S EVER BEEN ABOUT WITH YOU, ISN'T IT? YOU AND YOUR GODS BE DAMNED SHARDS!" She fell to her knees, sobbing in agony and rage. "Damn you, InuYasha . . . gods, I wish I didn't love you . . ."

InuYasha's jaw fell open in shock. She . . . she loved him? Oh, gods, she loved him! He approached her slowly, careful not to make any sudden movements that might send her back over the edge into despair.

"Kagome . . ." he whispered, filling his voice with a careful neutrality, "Kagome . . . it's never been just about the shards . . . I do need you . . . and so do the others . . . please, don't do this . . . don't do this to us . . ."

"What 'us' InuYasha?" her broken voice answered him. "There never was an 'us'. It's always been, and always will be, you and . . . and Kikyo. There's no room for me in your heart . . . I know that now. And oh, how it hurts to finally admit it . . . but I'm so tired, InuYasha. I'm so tired of fooling myself, of hoping for something that can never be . . . of standing in the shadows and watching you go to her again and again. It HURTS, InuYasha. It hurts . . . knowing that you'll never love me as you love her . . . knowing that when this is all over, she'll take you to hell with her and I'll never see you again. Oh, gods, how it hurts," she moaned, rocking back and forth on her knees in an attempt to relieve the overwhelming agony ripping through her.

'To hell with this,' InuYasha thought, and leaning down, grabbed her up against his chest, pressing her close to his heart, ignoring her brief struggles to get loose. At last, she sagged against him, her breath hitching as great sobs shook her frame in his arms. He held her tightly, one arm wrapped around her waist, the other hand running gently over her hair in what he hoped was a soothing motion. How had they come to this? Gods . . . just thinking about what she had been about to do scared him. What in the world was going through her head? Had . . . Had HE driven her to this?

That thought froze him. He HAD driven her to this. This . . . this was his fault, he just knew it. 'Oh, Kagome . . . what have I done to you?' he wondered in despair. 'How can I have not seen this . . . how do I help her when I'm the cause . . . gods, I don't know.'

"Kagome . . ." he whispered, "I . . . I said goodbye to Kikyo the other night. She . . . she isn't the woman I knew. And . . . I came to a realization, too. I . . . oh gods, Kagome, I love you." He stared down at her, meeting her disbelieving gaze with his own. Following an impulse, he leaned down, and claimed her lips with his own. He poured everything he had into it . . . his sorrow, his regret, his fear . . . his love, trying to make her see what he needed her to see.

  
  


*--------*--------*--------*--------*

  
  


You . . . you're holding me so tight, as if afraid to let go. I'm so confused . . . what do you mean, you need me? You've never needed me . . . well, except to find shards. Oh gods, this hurts so much . . . why did you have to find me? Why couldn't you stay asleep until I was gone?

Wait . . . you . . . you said goodbye to Kikyo? What do you mean? Oh . . . oh, someone pinch me, cause this must be a dream . . . you love me? No . . . no, you don't love me, you've never loved me, you love Kikyo . . . don't you? Oh, gods, why does this always happen to me? I . . .

Your lips . . . on mine . . . I can taste tears. Are they mine, or are you crying too? Oh, if I could freeze one moment in time, it would be this one . . . I can sense you are trying to tell me something through this kiss. That you're sorry for not loving me? That you're afraid for me? Don't do this, don't lie to me InuYasha . . . I can't take it if you lie to me . . . not now.

Can you feel it? Can you feel my heart, beating as if it was going to burst? Can you feel how much I love you . . . how much I care about you, and want to be with you always? Oh, if only you could. Maybe . . . maybe we could get past this, if only . . . if only you loved me as much as I love you. Do you love me, InuYasha? Do you love ME? ME . . . Kagome, not Kikyo? Not the reincarnation, but who I am and always have been? Tell me, please, tell me that you love me.

  
  


*--------*--------*--------*--------*

  
  


It was a kiss filled with desperation, anxiety, longing . . . pain. The salt of tears . . . the warmth and softness of her lips . . . InuYasha pulled back, gasping for air as he stared down into her glazed eyes. He ran a gentle hand across her cheek, reveling in the softness of her skin before pulling her back into a softer, gentler kiss.

"I love you Kagome," he whispered against her lips. "I'm so sorry . . . that I caused you this pain. I . . . I never meant to do this to you . . . I've been so blind. Please . . . please don't leave me in the shadows again. You . . .you are my light, my haven . . . I can't be without you, Kagome." She sobbed brokenly against his lips, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck as she pressed into him, needing his warmth, his comfort.

"Oh, gods, InuYasha . . . tell me I'm not dreaming this . . . I love you so much . . . I can't take this anymore . . . please, please don't lie to me . . . not now."

"Never again . . . never, ever again, Kagome. I'm done with deceiving myself . . . I love you, and only you. Please . . . you must believe me, Kagome. I . . . I can't do this without you . . . I need you . . . I love you." He clasped her tighter, burying his face in her hair as he prayed desperately to whatever gods would listen to a hanyou that she would hear him, and believe. He felt her collapse against him, a heart-rending cry bursting out of her throat as he caught her up tightly against his chest, her tears a cleansing rain of the pain she'd been hiding for so long now. He held her to him, scooping her up in his arms and carrying her back to the camp, where he promptly leapt into the nearest tree, bearing his precious cargo with him. He settled on a wide branch in the lower boughs of the tree, Kagome nestled firmly on his lap, her head resting just below his chin.

"I'll never let you go, Kagome . . . never," he whispered fiercely, his arms tight around her, his eyes like molten gold as he stared out over the lake.

"InuYasha . . ." she whispered, her voice hoarse with tears.

"Hush now," he commanded her gently. "Rest. All of this . . . we can discuss all of this in the morning, under the light of day. For now . . . gods, for now just let me hold you, and pretend that we have the rest of our lives ahead of us, with no Naraku, no jewel shards, and no Kikyo. I love you, Kagome."

"I love you InuYasha," she sighed, resting her weary head against his chest, listening to the sound of his heart pounding in his chest comfortingly. "Don't let me go . . ."

"I never will, Kagome. I never will . . . not without one hell of a fight." Glancing down, he noticed her even breathing, her closed eyes and parted lips, still red from his kiss. "Come out of the darkness, Kagome . . . come out of the shadows and be my light again."

  
  


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Dawn arose, painting the sky with reds, oranges, and yellows in a dazzling array of color. InuYasha watched it carefully as it played over his sleeping charge, revealing in the light of day the stains of tears on her skin, and the dark shadows below her eyes. Sighing, he leaned back against the tree trunk, Kagome held gently but firmly in his arms. The first step had been taken . . . goaded by crisis, but taken, none the less. They still had a long road ahead of them . . . so much pain and despair that needed to be swept aside and overcome, but he knew they could do it . . . as long as they were together. He hugged her slightly, memorizing the feel of her body in his arms. He would not leave her . . . not ever, no matter what happened, he would stay by her side. They would begin healing the past that had left them scarred . . . and they would do it together. In the end, that was all that mattered.

  
  


*finis*

  
  


AN - I couldn't just leave it sad . . . but I couldn't make it an overwhelmingly happy ending either. They have a lot of misunderstanding to work out. Hope you enjoyed, and please review : )


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